Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, or at church I get lots of silent gas emissions. As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"
"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing"
A doctor dies and goes to hell.
The devil greets him and tells him that since he was a doctor, and did some good that he could choose his eternity.
The devil opens the first door, there are doctors hanging from their ankles being whipped by demons.
"Oh my God, I don't want that," the doctor replies.
The devil opens a second door to reveal doctors on fire being chased by huge beasts.
"That's even worse!" says the doctor, getting more nervous.
The devil opens a third door to reveal doctors in lounge chairs being served tropical drinks by gorgeous, scantily clad nurses.
"Sign me up for that eternity!" the doctor states.
The devil slams that door and says, "You can't go there, you weren't supposed to see that."
The doctor states why can't I go there?
The devil replies, "Well...that's nurse hell.
You Might Be a Nurse if...
- when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
- your favourite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
- everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
- you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
- you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
- you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.
- you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Confucius Says...
"Man who want pretty nurse must be patient"
Author Unknown
The History of Medicine
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 BC: Here, eat this root.
1000 BC: That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 AD: That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Author unknown
Why Women are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
An elderly couple in a nursing home were reminiscing. The wife was remembering all the good things about her marriage; the last thing being the super sex. She left the group mumbling down the hallway "super sex, super sex, super sex, etc." She passed another eldery resident whom responded, " I'll take the soup."
The Burned-Out Gynecologist
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what would be involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together perfectly, which was also worth 50% of the mark.”
The instructor went on to say, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.”
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